It's those tiny words.

It’s those tiny words that hurt you,
It’s those tiny words that break you.
You’ll never admit it, but soon it washes over,
You’ll feel those tiny stings and those cuts moreover.

”/

People will never realize the words they speak from their fleshy, fragile mouth can cut others. The consequences aren’t bleeding, it’s the eternal scar that stays. That resentment and faithless, hollow facade.

Gosh. It hurts.

I'm Sorry. But 'This is it'.

So, I’ve finally reached a breakthrough. I’m done.

Done? You may ask. Well, yes people, done. People who really know as a 3D person and not just some fingers skimming along the keyboard, I’m very introvert, independent, silent person. I assume it’s my fault for portraying an absolute contrast of what I really am, in front of people. But it’s not. Because, like a cabbage, my layers peel off very slowly. If you observe, I am not that cold hearted, inconsiderate, selfish, isolating creature who is strangely trapped within a class room. I have feelings too, and I thought my closest friends would understand. No, I’m not whining, I’m simply stuck in the middle.

My heart yearns for future visions of us four happily chatting away, reminiscing old memories, laughing at old jokes and being each other’s pillar of support when one of us fall. It sounds so close, I could almost do that. Until I decided I am not going to be undermined any more. No. Never again. Siting with them on the same table could some how magically cause the effect of my being invisible, not there, simply transparent. Hey, not even opaque. Them three would laugh like not a care in the world, not a thing could break them and not a person missing. Me, remember? I’m still there. I’m still living and breathing. I’m still hurting.

I don’t see my value and a form of ‘human’ within their minds and hearts. It aches to even debate these endless rattles of ‘friendship’ with them, I’ve gotten accused by two of them, saying I’m just the one whose isolating them, it’s all my fault, nananananana =P How I wish I could just rip my heart out, spread some cold, slit their throats with my sharp words and what them bleed. I sound like I want revenge. No, I just want them to be no longer blind, be no longer deaf and be no longer untrue.

A late update; but an update non the less.

What an eventful week.
First I fell sick with a fever of 103 Celsius then a immense cold war with my close entourage. I can’t even picture myself back to school again. Tests, coursework and all that academic crap. I rather be fucking dead, six feet under.

One of my highlights of the days were meeting up with an old acquaintance again. He was one year older than me, but only a few inches taller. I once had a wobble of the heart for him, it didn’t pass as quick as I thought and lasted for quite sometime. Even when I see him now, I would fantasize what would happen if we were an item. But it’s impossible, and I’ve seem to have lost him as a close friend too. He’s going to Auzzie to study and it’s so sudden. Even though I don’t talk to him 24/7, at least I know he’s going to the same school as I am, living on the same piece of land! Now he’s all the way across the other side of the world and I’m left wondering will I EVER see him again?

He’s having girl problems, so is exhibit B. Everyone seems screwed with girls? Whats the big deal? I’m a girl. Love seems like crap. Probably is. Aighhh, puppy love never lasts, my dear. It’s those awful marriages that might stick.

I WANNA NEW PHONE. This one sucks. The sound setting suck, the camera sucks. EVERYTHING SUCKS. oh god. How I wish to get drunk and just leave this rotten place.

Does nobody realize; school makes you FEEL dumber?!

The experience have being educated in a school for my past 9-or-so years has finally lead me to the conclusion that; School Makes You Feel Dumb and Shit more than Proud and Triumphant. Why? You don’t get a word the teachers are saying; you get tests to show just how incapable your skills and mentality are, you get report cards to show to your parents just how dumb and how you will never measure up to perfect. All this is just school itself and it’s messed up system; and I’m not even talking about how peer pressure is over sizing too.

No, I can't calm down and carry on.

Life has been extremely rough to me during these fresh new weeks of Yr10. I’ve been tormented by Maths, Economics and several Hindu Deities which all seem to LOVE carrying things on their 4 and more arms. Good news is that I’ve recently rediscovered BL/Yaoi and I’m crazy in love with it. Yah, it’s a bit wrong with all those nudy scenes and the fact that it’s not exactly for the eyes of 13 and below, but the storyline and character profile is enough for any reader to read it. My eyes are sore and read from revising and reading manga. Life’s currently shit.

Math is ALWAYS making it hard for me to understand. I wonder if I can treat maths as a person…,… All those subjects has been sucking the life out of me; thus I don’t have any spare energy to put up with my usual entourage. They thought I was weird; being all silent and being ‘missing’ from their usual gatherings. I just thought they’re being stupidl7-smart. How so? They’re smart enough to handle all the stress but they’re dumb enough to not see how others aren’t coping. This also lead me to realize my lack of posts on tumblr which makes me a horrible blogger :s

I’m revising for my 2nd Economic test, in a week. I’m not even sure what I need to revise about; supply and demand graph? the market price????? I think question marks will start pouring out of my ears :x

Revising with my dad is like battling with your alley. He’s sometimes a great help and would haul you from any grenades splitting along the way, but sometimes he’ll just push you right into a trench; head first and point a rifle to your head. He’s so loud and stressful. I can’t even bear to hear him speak without my eyes getting all teared up. He’s great help and he can give me a major push, but as long as I’m still spiritually dead and not having any sense of will to live; I doubt Maths would ever come into my ‘Top 10 Must Do List’.

Half the things I’m learning now will mean NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING in the future; which is, excuse me; a few decades away. What is the point? What on earth is the point?!!!?!? I might as well commit some fast lethal crime and stay steadfast in jail. Living off the government; rise and shine to the iron bars, oh wouldn’t it be lovellyyy?